What
does it take to stay Muslim, married and extremely happy today? As oxymoronic
as that just sounded, believe it or not, it’s absolutely possible!
Marriage,
especially for Muslims, is a lot more than having someone to call a husband or wife.
The marital relationship is an incredible blessing and divine sign, as Allah
subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) says in the Qur’an:
“And
of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find
tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in
that are signs for a people who give thought.” [Qur’an: Chapter 30, Verse 21]
 |
| 25.1.2013 |
The
whole purpose of having a spouse is to find tranquility in and with them; and
our relationships with our spouses have signs that Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) is asking us to give thought to.
How
are some Muslim couples finding this tranquility in their marriage while many
others seem to be having a miserable time? What are those couples whose eyes
exude deep love and contentment doing right in their relationships?
Here
are the top 10 habits of Muslim couples who’ve found tranquility and happiness
in their marriage:
1. They
love each other for Allah’s sake
What
does it mean to love each other for Allah’s sake? It means you make the love
and obedience of Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) the basis and focus of your
relationship with someone else. It means you love someone so much that you want
your love for them to last beyond this lifetime and into the Hereafter, where
you can live in eternal happiness with them having earned Allah’s pleasure
together. It means you love someone purely because of how much they remind you
of Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) and help you get closer to Him.
Hold
it right there. I know what you just thought: “but my wife/husband doesn’t
remind me of Allah at all.”
A
lot of people who marry each other even for primarily religious reasons end up
disappointed after marriage when they suddenly find their spouse not praying
all the sunnah prayers (like they thought they would) or reading the Qur’an
everyday or the morning and evening adhkar or fasting Mondays and Thursdays or
being excited about attending halaqahs or praying tahajjud or doing something
for the Ummah – like they thought they would. Our own restrictions of
spirituality to acts of physical or outward worship blind us from seeing how
much our spouses contribute to improving our character, which is an unsurpassed
form of spiritual growth, because the Prophet ṣallallāhu
'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) says:
“Nothing
is placed on the Scale that is heavier than good character. Indeed the person
with good character will have attained the rank of the person of fasting and
prayer.” [Tirmidhi]2
Your
spouse has loved you for Allah’s sake every time they have:
stopped
you from harboring suspicions or ill-will (about your boss or competitor or any
other annoying person in your life)
stopped
you from backbiting (about your friends, colleagues, in-laws (ahem))
helped
you be more kind and gentle in your speech and manners (to helpers, waiters,
laborers, siblings, elders and children)
helped
you fulfill people’s trusts (by encouraging you to get to work on time and do
the best at your job, to pay off your debts, to keep people’s secrets)
helped
you be more honest with yourself or to others
helped
you forgive someone and overlook their faults
helped
you become more generous or less extravagant
helped
you recognize and overcome the weaknesses of your inner self
In
all of the above and so many other times that go unnoticed, committed Muslim
spouses consistently help each other get closer to Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He). They stop each other from anything
that may lower them in the sight of Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) and constantly help each other win
Allah’s love.
Truly
happy Muslim couples engage in winning Allah’s pleasure together whenever and
in any way they can: they glorify Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) together in the quiet hours of Fajr,
they thank Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) in tahajjud together, they make it a
point to read a minimum amount of Qur’an everyday, they do regular or even
random acts of kindness and charity and they maintain loving and happy ties
with each other’s families.
2. They
are grateful for each other
If
there is one fundamental need that exists in every single human relationship,
it is the need to feel relevant and appreciated. And there is no other
relationship where this need is as grossly overlooked and abused, as in
marriage. Why does this happen? Is it because humans tend to take things for
granted, especially when they’re done by those closest to them?
When
you’re newly married, every single thing your spouse does for you feels so
special. As time goes by, your husband going out to work hard and earn for the
family becomes normal; and a few years later it becomes “his duty anyway”.
Similarly, every meal your new bride cooks is delightful, then somehow the salt
always seems to keep getting lesser, till eventually she’s “not doing anyone a
favor by just doing her job”.
Sounds
familiar? Oh yes, ungrateful Muslim spouse speaking right there!
Happy
Muslim couples live and breathe this hadith in their marriage:
“He
who does not thank the people is not thankful to Allah.” [Abu Dawud]
What
is not there to thank your spouse for? Here are 5 reasons to thank your spouse
right now:
For
providing you a roof to live under/for making a home out of your house
For
buying you clothes to wear/for making sure you have clean clothes to wear
everyday
For
buying you the food you eat everyday/for making delicious meals for you
everyday
For
being there to take you where you need to go/for being there to take care of
the house when you’re away
For
coming back home to you every evening/for being the person you can come home to
everyday
Allah
subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) says in the Qur’an:
“… If
you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny,
indeed, My punishment is severe.” [Qur’an: Chapter 14, Verse 7]
Our
spouses are an immense favor and blessing of Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) upon us: they are an irreplaceable
source of spiritual, emotional, mental and physical comfort. Happy Muslim
couples keep getting happier because they simply implement the command of Allah
subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) in the above verse: They are grateful
everyday for each other, so Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) increases the happiness they find in
each other, just like He subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) promised.
The
verse doesn’t end there though. The last half of the verse should send a chill
down every married person’s spine: “…if you deny, indeed, My punishment is
severe.”
How
many times have our egos stopped us from acknowledging and appreciating our
spouses? How many times have we denied all the good they’ve done for us through
a single word or sentence in the middle of a senseless argument? Every conflict
left unresolved, every hurtful word exchanged and every baseless complaint is a
refusal to value one of Allah’s best gifts to us: a spouse. It is a denial of a
favor Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) has blessed us with that many are
longing for. And you don’t have to wait for the Hereafter to bear the
consequences of such denial. Days of depression, frustration, anger, spite,
lack of barakah (blessing), and even illness and hardships make life living
hell for those who refuse to be grateful in their marriages.
Allah
subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) also says in the Qur’an:
“And
as for your Lord’s favor, then discourse about it! (i.e., proclaim it).”
[Qur’an: Chapter 93, Verse 11]
So
if you aren’t doing so already, stop holding back and proclaim to your spouse
how grateful you are for them!
You
and your spouse can start becoming grateful for each other right now by:
thanking
each other for at least one thing everyday: you could do this through a text
message, a note in a lunchbox or on the fridge, or just before you go to sleep
at night (brothers, I promise you will not decrease in height if you do this)
exchanging
a smile that says “thank you, you mean the world to me”
saying
“thank you/jazak Allah khayr” every time your spouse does something for you
getting/doing
small things for your spouse that you know they will absolutely love
writing
down things about each other you’re grateful for in a journal and exchanging
your journals regularly: journaling makes you reflect, realize and truly
internalize what you’re thinking about. There’s nothing better than
internalizing the gratitude you feel towards your spouse; and there’s nothing
more heart-warming for them to read than what you’ve written from the depths of
your heart!
3.
They communicate like best friends2
What
a Whatsapp conversation looks like a few years into a typical marriage:
“Need
bread.”
“K.”
I
mean, c’mon: “K”?? Not even an “o” to make that miserable “k” look a little
less miserable?!
What
happens to married people’s manners, interest, enthusiasm and most importantly
good assumptions when talking to their spouses? Is it okay to talk this way
because you’re just so used to someone? Why do we not talk this way to people
we’ve been friends with for years? What makes a spouse less-deserving of
respect, enthusiasm and affection when no one deserves it more than them
(except our parents) for choosing to live every single day with us? Why do we
not talk to our spouses like we talk to our best friends, even though they are
much closer to us than anyone will ever be?
Happy
Muslim couples talk like best friends, in good times and in conflict. In good
times, they wait to tell each other about their day, they joke, laugh, share
ideas, flirt, compliment each other, respect their spouse’s right to hold
different opinions and learn from each other’s opposing points of view. In
fact, happy Muslim couples communicate just like the Prophet ṣallallāhu
'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) and his wives did.
Aisha
raḍyAllāhu
'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) narrated that:
Allah’s
Messenger ṣallallāhu
'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said to her: “I
know when you are pleased with me or angry with me.” I said, “Whence do you know
that?” He said, “When you are pleased with me, you say, ‘No, by the Lord of
Muhammad,’ but when you are angry with me, then you say, ‘No, by the Lord of
Abraham.’ ” Thereupon I said, “Yes (you are right), but by Allah, O Allah’s
Messenger, I leave nothing but your name.” [Bukhari]
Couples
that have learnt to communicate effectively do away with the majority of
marital stress because they become so attuned to each other’s feelings that
they can immediately sense the emotional state of their spouse through the
slightest change in words or tone. And as our beloved Aisha raḍyAllāhu
'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) put it so beautifully – even in anger;
happy, loving Muslim spouses never desert anything more than each other’s name
when they try to communicate that they feel wronged or hurt. They never desert
love and respect for each other in conflict: this, is the key to staying happy
in your marriage.
4. They
never lose focus of each other’s primary needs
What
I’ve personally discovered through my own marriage and from those of all the
people who’ve discussed marital issues with me, is that the primary reason for
continuous marital stress and discord is almost always due to the neglect of a
spouse’s primary needs.
A
lot of books (by Muslim and non-Muslim authors alike) tend to classify primary
marital needs based on gender or a spouse’s role in the marriage. You must’ve
definitely read about men’s primary needs being respect and physical
satisfaction, and that women prioritize the need for love, verbal expression
and emotional satisfaction. However true these classifications may seem in
theory, they’re far from practical reality, because the truth is: both men and
women need love, respect, physical and emotional satisfaction, just in
different degrees and ways of expression.
Men
and women are equally human: Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) has created both genders with a sense
of human dignity, with physical desires and with hearts that have feelings.
When wives get snappy and say mean things to their spouses, husbands do feel
hurt and unloved; and when husbands are rude and hurl insults at their spouses,
wives do feel humiliated and disrespected. When a woman’s physical desires are
consistently dismissed or left half-fulfilled, she feels as frustrated as a man
in such situations does; and when a man never hears any words of appreciation
or admiration, he feels as underappreciated and unvalued as a woman in these
situations does.
Every
marriage is made up of two unique people of opposite genders. That’s why, what
works for one couple may not necessarily work in your marriage, because you and
your spouse are different people altogether with different preferences,
priorities and circumstances. For this reason, generally accepted theories that
may apply to many marriages may not apply to many others because different
people are different. And happy Muslim couples have this figured out. It is
extremely crucial for the health of your marriage that you sit down with your
spouse and figure out what is important to them, and how they’ve always
expected you to fulfill those needs for them.
Here’s
how to figure out and focus on fulfilling your spouse’s primary needs:
Ask
your spouse: “What is the one thing you cannot do without in this marriage?”
Give them options to think about like love, respect, emotional or physical
satisfaction, financial security, a peaceful or Islamic environment at home,
etc.
Ask
them for examples of how they want these needs fulfilled: “How have you always
expected me to do this for you?” Give them examples to help them figure out
their preferences: ask them if they expect you to get small surprise gifts
regularly, verbally compliment them more, take the initiative to pray or read
and reflect on the Qur’an together, plan date nights, consult them before
making a significant decision, talk to them in a certain way, dress up and
prepare special surprise meals at home with the kids asleep, not say certain
things in arguments, etc.
Write
down their needs and preferences.
Make
dua and sincere effort to fulfill your spouse’s primary needs: ask Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) to help you make your spouse happy, and
then actively think of and create easy ways to do what is important to your
spouse.
5.
They are the comfort of each other’s eyes
Happy
Muslim couples strive to be the comfort of each other’s eyes. They seek to be
the answer to the dua that Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) has taught us to make:
“And
those who say, “Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort
to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.”” [Qur’an: Chapter 25,
Verse 74]
What
does it take to become a beautiful sight to look at?
Smile
at your spouse
When
was the last time you beamed at your spouse or saw your spouse smiling lovingly
at you? Okay, I shouldn’t have asked that question because you’d probably need
to time travel back into the ancient past. Smile when you open the door to your
tired husband, smile when you get to see your wife after a long day at work,
smile at the mother/father of your child for giving you such a beautiful gift;
let your smile be the last thing your spouse sees before they close their eyes
to sleep. Smile because there’s no reason not to.
Look
good for your spouse
The
noble companion Ibn Abbas raḍyAllāhu
'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) is reported to have said:
“I
like to take care of my appearance for my wife just as I like for her to take
care of her appearance for me. This is because Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) says: “And they (women) have rights
similar (to those of their husbands) over them to what is reasonable.” ”
[Tafsir Ibn Kathir]
You
are the only man/woman your spouse is allowed to look at from head to toe, so
please don’t be an eye sore! Yes, make this your mantra. Tell yourself this
every time you look in the mirror at your unkempt hair, permanent pyjamas or
neglected body. Looking good for your spouse is as important (and as easy) as
everything else you do everyday like eating or sleeping.
It
takes a maximum of 20 minutes to: shower, put on some attractive clothes and
perfume, comb your hair and apply a dash of make-up (men: you don’t have to do
the last bit so you have even less of an excuse!). Make these 20 minutes a
fixed part of your routine, ideally just before your spouse gets home or before
you sit down to relax at home after work.
Looking
good for each other has even more to do with maintaining your health and
fitness. You need to do this for your own self before anyone else. Slot in an
hour at least everyday to work on your physical and mental fitness: work out
wherever and whenever it is convenient for you, but make sure you do and your
spouse makes time for their fitness too. There’s nothing more attractive to a
spouse than having that healthy glow and fit physique!
Be
their source of comfort and support
Who
do you think of turning to when you’re depressed, afraid or going through a
tough time? If your spouse was the first person that came to your mind, you
have a wonderful marriage Alhamdulillah. Because that’s what Muslim spouses do:
they are each other’s refuge, just like the Prophet ṣallallāhu
'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) and his wives were
to each other.
When
the Prophet ṣallallāhu
'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) received the
revelation for the first time, he began trembling with fear and ran to his wife
Khadijah raḍyAllāhu
'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) seeking comfort and reassurance saying:
“O
Khadijah! What is wrong with me? I was afraid that something bad might happen
to me.” Then he told her the story. Khadijah raḍyAllāhu
'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) said, “Nay! But receive the good tidings!
By Allah, Allah will never disgrace you, for by Allah, you keep good relations
with your kith and kin, speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, entertain
your guests generously and assist those who are stricken with calamities.”
[Bukhari]
6. They
make each other bloom
Did
you know your spouse was a separate person with a unique mind, heart, body and
soul before they married you? And did you know that they still are that
individual person, only with you by their side?
Marriages
begin to go headlong into constant unhappiness when one or both spouses forget
this fundamental fact: marriage makes people partners, not parts of each other
that must be controlled and bossed over. As unfortunate as the truth may be,
your spouse has a lot more roles to play in life than just being your spouse;
and whenever you restrict them from doing justice to all their roles, you’re
going to be the cause of their constant frustration, which will only spill into
your own marital relationship.
Allah
subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) has created each of us to contribute in
so many ways during our life on this earth and has blessed us with the
potential to be all that He wants us to be. Be that amazing person who
motivates, encourages and helps your spouse discover and use their God-given
potential and traits to bloom and be a source of joy and mercy to the world.
Don’t stop your spouse from being kind and loving to their parents, don’t stop
them from being helpful towards their colleagues and relatives, don’t make them
cut ties that you know they should keep, don’t compel them to bottle up their
talents when you know their skills can be used in a halal way to bring about a
lot of good, don’t control their every relationship and acquaintance with other
people like an air-traffic controller, don’t bark orders and rules and taunts
at them at every opportunity: don’t make your spouse wither into a dull,
lifeless, thorny, poisonous weed; because that is not what Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) created them to be – that’s what
control freaks make out of the people they live with.
Happy
Muslim couples are partners in growth and productivity: They acknowledge that
their spouse is a slave of Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) alone and marriage does not change
that. They acknowledge their spouse’s other roles and responsibilities and
encourage them to do justice to all of them. They recognize each other’s unique
traits and talents and catalyze their spouse’s growth and worth as an
individual.
7. They
make time for each other – no matter what!
Sorry,
there’s just no excuse not to give at least half an hour (okay, 15 minutes when
you’re just too exhausted) of undivided attention and love to your spouse.
Because the truth is, you’re not married just to slog all day to get money
home, or to produce kids and take care of them 24/7. Before you know it, your
bosses and jobs will change and you’ll be retiring and replaced, and the kids
would’ve married and moved out. And the only person you will be left with is
that spouse (read: stranger) you always put second to everything, who would’ve
become too used to being neglected over the past 30 years to be that warm
companion you’ll desperately be needing in your old age.
Your
relationship needs exclusive attention every single day. Just like you’re
saving everyday to build that comfortable house for the future. What’s the fun
if you’re going to end up alone in that house, sleeping next to someone you
don’t even recognize anymore? Instead, imagine this: you’re (finally!) going to
be alone in that house with the person who’s listened to your worries and
stories every night, who you’ve taken walks with everyday, who’s been there to
lean on when you’ve been weak, who you’ve celebrated all your achievements and
successes with: someone who’s been a friend indeed, every single day. Now is it
really that hard to give half an hour of your time everyday to the person who
deserves it most?
8. They
fight the real enemies: ego, evil eye and shaytan
Ego
Here’s
what the growth curve of a Muslim couple that’s learnt to manage marital
conflict looks like:
1st
year of marriage: blame all conflicts on spouse
2nd
year of marriage: blame all conflicts on spouse, shaytan, evil eye and magic
(seriously)
3rd
year of marriage: blame spouse for ‘causing’ conflict and take nominal blame
for reacting absurdly
4th
year of marriage: make sure spouse takes at least half the blame for conflicts
5th
year of marriage: agree that your spouse has been right all along and there’s
something you need to change about yourself
If
you ask every happily married couple that’s successfully made it past the first
five years, they’ll tell you there’s no bigger enemy to marital happiness than:
ego.
Ego
is the defense mechanism of the lower self, and ego in marriage sounds like:
“This
is who I am and you better get used to it”
“I
wouldn’t have said/done that if you didn’t say/do what you did”
“It’s
all because of you”
“Does
it look like I care anyway?”
And
ego sounds very, very familiar.
This
is because the lower self is a covert enemy lurking within each and every one
of us. Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) records Yusuf’s 'alayhi'l-salām (peace
be upon him) observation of the lower human self in the Qur’an:
“… Verily,
the (human) self is inclined to evil, except when my Lord bestows His Mercy
(upon whom He wills). Verily, my Lord is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”
[Qur’an: Chapter 12, Verse 53]
This
doesn’t mean we are all inherently bad, but that we all have lower selves that
are inclined to be oppressive, unruly and unjust; and it is only Allah’s subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) mercy that can make us rise above our
destructive, narcissistic lower selves.
Why
ego is the biggest threat to a marriage is because it is an enemy from within.
Ego is like a deceptive double agent that distorts reality and makes us deny
and justify the wrongs that our lower selves commit towards our spouses,
convincing us that we are right; while we are oppressing our own selves and our
spouses and actually walking a path of humiliating self-destruction.
The
Prophet ṣallallāhu
'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said:
“A
believer is the mirror of his brother. When he sees a fault in it, he should
correct it.” [Al Adab Al Mufrad]1
There’s
no one who mirrors our souls to us more accurately than our spouse, because no
other human being gets to see us as intimately and habitually as they do. As a
natural consequence, spouses stand the highest chance of facing our ego: the
defensive wrath of our lower selves. But allowing your lower self to prevail in
your marriage instead of seeing your marriage as a means to purify yourself is
your own (disastrous) choice. Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) says in Surat Ash-Shams:
“And
[by] the soul (self) and He who proportioned it. And inspired it [with
discernment of] its wickedness and its righteousness. He has succeeded who
purifies it, and he has failed who instills it [with corruption].” [Qur’an:
Chapter 91, Verse 7-10]
Our
spouses actually personify the mercy of Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) when they mirror our flaws to us so we
can rise above our lower selves. They make us discern our innermost weaknesses
that we could not have seen for ourselves, and Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) has blessed us with them for our own
spiritual purification and salvation.
The
next time your spouse is desperately trying to get something about yourself
across to you:
1. Just
listen. Listen carefully and objectively, especially if they have been
repeating it for a very long time.
2.
Control the urge to defend yourself: look for
the truth in your spouse’s words first.
3.
Ask yourself: “Has anyone pointed this out about
me before?” The answer could very likely be a yes, and if it is, then you’re
definitely looking at a flaw that Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) wants you to work on and get rid of.
4. Realize
how merciful Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) is being to you through your spouse.
Thank Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) and your spouse sincerely for caring so
much about your success in the hereafter and making you a better person.
Try
this 4-step exercise the next time you face conflict in your marriage. I
promise you’ll see marital conflict in a whole new light: your spouse will no
longer be the enemy and you’ll realize just what a big blessing they are for
you!
Evil
Eye
The
Prophet ṣallallāhu
'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said:
“The
evil eye is real.” [Ibn Majah]
I
am always in awe of the power of this extremely concise hadith, because it
delivers three vital messages about the evil eye in one 5-word sentence:
the
harm of the evil eye is very, very real (in case you were even thinking
otherwise)
do
not put yourself in its way; and
take
measures to protect yourself from it
If
you agree with point one, the second and third points just follow naturally.
Muslim couples today are actually serving their marriages on exquisitely
decorated social media platters for the evil eye to devour: not just the
ceremony, but every single verbal and non-verbal marital exchange, meal,
meeting, moment, mood and micro-second!
You
cannot be friends with 500+ people on social media, half of whom may be trying
hard to get married for a long time and keep shoving your marital happiness in
their face. Not only is it unnecessary, it is highly insensitive.
Happy
Muslim couples do share their marital happiness, but sensibly. Before sharing
anything about your marital life with the public, ask yourself:
Is
it necessary to share it with all the people I’m about to disclose it to?
Will
it make any of them long to be in my position?
Is
it better off being private?
Not
putting your marriage in the way of the evil eye is the first way of protecting
it from its harm. Reading the morning and evening adhkar, the duas prescribed
for protection against the evil eye as well as constantly thanking Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) for your marriage and your spouse
fortifies this protection immensely.
Shaytan
Remember
all that incomprehensible pre-wedding drama between your spouse’s family and
yours, or those regular ridiculous flare-ups that you realize made absolutely
no sense after you and your spouse cooled down (e.g.: when “why did you turn
off the light when you know I was reading?” ends in “marrying you was the
biggest mistake of my life!” – W.H.A.T?!): yes, all those absurd, bizarre
arguments that sprang out of nothing and all the other senseless discord in
your marriage are the best compliments of shaytan.
The
Prophet ṣallallāhu
'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said:
“Iblis
(shaytan) places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating
dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in
creating dissension. One of them comes and says: I did so and so. And he says:
You have done nothing. Then one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so
and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. The
Satan goes near him and says: ‘You have done well and then embraces him.”
[Muslim]
Shaytan
doesn’t have any principles when he seeks to create marital discord: in fact,
the rule is that he attacks from where you least expect it. Like through your
normally loving, religious and sensible parent/sibling/well-wisher who begins
to magnify some irrelevant flaw in your spouse that was somehow never an issue
before you tied the knot. Shaytan perpetuates his whispers through their
tongues, and you unwittingly believe them because they are your loved ones. And
thus begins insane marital strife.
Here’s
how to protect your marriage from the shaytan:
Read
the mu’awwadhatayn (Surat Al-Falaq and Surat An-Nas) and morning and evening
adhkar daily.
If
your spouse is behaving in a way or saying things they normally don’t, politely
say: “honey, let’s not let the shaytan get to us.” This is a tried and tested
way to defuse a senseless argument before it starts.
If
you find yourself starting to get angry, seek refuge in Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) from the shaytan immediately.
If
you hear anything negative about your spouse from anyone, examine the words for
signs of shaytan’s whispers and traps. If there’s anything that may cause you
to have even the slightest ill-feeling or resentment towards your spouse,
consciously recall all the good in your spouse and compare it to what’s being
said about them: you’ll see the false/irrelevant claims quickly dissipating.
9
.
They sense each other’s stress
You
know those times when your spouse is just not being their normal self or
getting ticked off by every little thing? Or when you do something special and
they didn’t even seem to notice? If you look a little deeper, you’ll find
there’s definitely something that’s bothering them (and it is not you). No
matter how annoyingly they may be behaving, try to find out what’s wrong; try
to sense their stress. They’ll most likely be having a problem at work, be down
with an illness or close to that time of the month, or the kids would’ve done a
fantastic job at driving them mad all day. Shaytan waits to use these moments
of stress to spark an argument, because the spouse under stress doesn’t have
the energy to fight him when their mind is exhausted by other troubles. He
waits for the calmer spouse to eventually get annoyed, pick up the bait and say
“what’s gotten into you?” and BAM! If you focus on putting your finger on
what’s bothering your spouse and offering them support instead of getting
worked up yourself, you immediately kill one more chance for shaytan to get to
your marriage. Happy Muslim couples empathize with one another. Once you’ve
figured out what’s bothering your spouse, give them the space, comfort or help
they need to de-stress. Ask them if they’d like to take a nap, be alone for
sometime, take a break from the kids, get some help with their work or spend
some time with their friends or family, if it’ll make them feel better. Agree
with your spouse to do this whenever either of you is acting out till you learn
to sense each other’s stress just through your expressions, and your mutual
intuition develops into a beautiful, unspoken language of care and
understanding.
10. They
are conscious of Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) in conflict
There
isn’t a single marriage where there isn’t any conflict or disagreement of some
sort or degree. It is only the way in which conflicts are managed that
distinguishes the health of one marriage from the other.
Of
all the ways to manage and minimize marital conflict, the most powerful way is
remembering that Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) is watching our every single move and
expression, and hearing our every single word. And it is all being recorded for
a Day when He subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) will be the Judge. Bringing this to
mind during conflict helps us refrain from giving in to our lower selves and
the whispers of Shaytan in the heat of the moment, and saves the marriage from
a lot of irreversible, long-term damage.
The
Prophet ṣallallāhu
'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said:
“I
guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the
right… ” [Abu Dawud]1
And
when he ṣallallāhu
'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) was asked by
Mu’adh bin Jabal raḍyAllāhu
'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him):
“O
Prophet of Allah, will we be brought to account for what we say?’ He said: ‘May
your mother not find you, O Mu’adh! Are people thrown onto their faces in Hell
for anything other than the harvest of their tongues?'” [Ibn Majah]
The
truth is, hell begins on earth when the tongue isn’t controlled during marital
conflict. The humiliation and hurt inflicted by the tongue sows deep resentment
and spite. That’s why Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) says in the Qur’an:
“And
tell My servants to say that which is best. Indeed, Satan induces [dissension]
among them. Indeed Satan is ever, to mankind, a clear enemy.”[Qur’an: Chapter
17, Verse 53]
If
you disagree with your spouse over anything or are hurt by something they did
or said, bring Allah’s presence to mind first to help lower your anger and
approach the issue calmly. Then put your concerns across as gently as possible
because gentleness is far more likely to make your spouse see your point than
lashing out at them. The Prophet ṣallallāhu
'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said to Aisha raḍyAllāhu
'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her):
“Aisha!
show gentleness, for if gentleness is found in anything, it beautifies it and
when it is taken out from anything it damages it.” [Abu Dawud]
Marriage
in a nutshell
I
remember giving a talk on love and relationships to an audience of young girls
when I’d been married for just about two years. In my talk, I’d mentioned the
verse of the Qur’an where Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) says:
“Women
impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity
are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity…” [Qur’an:
Chapter 24, Verse 26]
In
the Q&A session, a girl from the audience asked: “but what about all those
couples we see where one spouse is so good and the other is the complete
opposite?”
I’d
answered: “The verse is the general rule, but Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) may choose to test some of us through
our spouses.”
Just
then, someone in the front row of the audience put up her hand and requested to
speak. She was one of the other guest speakers, a renowned author and a woman
full of wisdom, and someone who was married for many more years than me. She
said:
“What
a person looks like to us is not necessarily what they are behind closed doors.
So before judging whether a person is right or wrong for someone, remember that
Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) chooses spouses for us not to test us
but to help us purify and improve our own selves.”
Three
years from that talk and I still haven’t come across a greater truth about
marriage. Indeed, as Allah subḥānahu
wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) said, in this beautiful relationship
are signs for those who give thought. Marital happiness is not an end but a
state; a state that can easily be achieved by just seeing marriage for what it
really is: a means of attaining physical, emotional and spiritual tranquility
through the loving and merciful companionship of a spouse.
We’d
love to know what keeps your marriage healthy and loving. Share your thoughts
on maintaining marital happiness in a comment below!
website
About
Zaynab Chinoy
source: http://productivemuslim.com/happy-muslim-couples/
recommended for husband (selalu nampak artikel ttg isteri je, yg ni pun okey)
http://muslimvillage.com/2012/12/14/32959/10-habits-of-highly-effective-muslim-husbands/
moga sama2 berubah dan usaha amalkan, jadikan rumahtangga syurga dunia hehe
bait muslim>>> komuniti muslim >>> masyarakat muslim >>> negara Islam>>> DUNIA ISLAM
:)
